Sorry for my absence.
I'm going to do a little complaining here. This is my blog. I'll write what I want.
So... Jonathan and I have only been trying to get pregnant for 2 months.
I know what you're thinking. "People try for YEARS with nothing and I'm complaining about 2 months?"
Yes. I am.
Because I have been WANTING to try for a baby for over a year. So it feels like a LOT longer for me. I feel like we've been trying a long time.
For those of you who don't know, Hazel was a surprise. She was the best surprise I've ever gotten. But, she wasn't planned. We have never tried to hide this. Sure, it caught us completely off guard. But she saved us from ourselves and she is our shining light and angel.
Anyway. So I subconsciously had in my mind that "since it JUST happened last time with NO trying... that now that we're trying it would JUST HAPPEN... again. Well it hasn't. I don't know how all you stronger women do this for years. The disappointment each month is tearing me up. I just feel like a failure and that I'm failing my unborn child.
I am a mental case.
I am disappointed. I am sad. I just don't know what to do.
I got mirana in right after Hazel was born and for about a year and a half it was great. Then it moved and I had to get it taken out.
A couple of weeks ago I saw a commercial saying that having the mirana can cause infertility.
I am afraid that that has happened to me.
I know, I know. "I've only been trying for 2 months. I'm jumping to conclusions."
But I also know that I will feel this way until I get pregnant. I will feel like I caused my next baby to not be born. I chose to get a IUD. I made that decision. What if I caused this?
I just don't know anything anymore.
To say I'm discouraged would be a huge understatement.
I also know that God has a plan. I need to let go of my controlling tendencies. I want to snap my fingers and get pregnant and I know that God is telling me to let go and let him be in control.
IT IS HARD.
But I am trying. Starting today. I am going to let God protect and be in control of my unborn baby. He is the one who will create it so I need to just give him the reigns.